Wednesday, June 15, 2011

A Salute To Joe Wallace

(photo credit:

Yesterday, a reader of the Evansville Courier & Press decided to write-in to the paper claiming to be tired of reading the articles written by Joe Wallace.

First of all, I would just like to say how great of a guy Joe is. These past few years, Joe has helped me get my foot in the door in the Evansville community whether it be serving as the Vice-President in my group Tri-State Tomorrow, posting my ideas for Roberts Stadium and Kleymeyer Park on the City-County Observer, or simply giving me advice on who I should talk to about my different projects.

There is no doubt that Joe is a HUGE asset to the Evansville community, and this just frustrates the heck out of city hall. If we can ever get people like Joe Wallace into office, we might just get somewhere.

In an effort to pay tribute and thanks to Joe Wallace, I have compiled the following list of attributes about Joe Wallace. Enjoy.. (Note: These jokes were obtained from . They are based on the jokes from that site but replaced with the words Joe Wallace for Chuck Norris)..

- Joe Wallace counts to infinity.... Twice.

- Death had a near Joe Wallace experience.

- Superman wears Joe Wallace pajamas to bed.

- Joe Wallace has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

- If you can see Joe Wallace, he can see you. If you can't see Joe Wallace you may be only seconds away from death.

- Joe Wallace doesn't have to look both ways before he crosses a street.

-They once made a Joe Wallace toilet paper, but it wouldn't take crap from anybody.

-Joe Wallace is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a freaking Indian.

-There is no chin behind Joe Wallace' beard. There is only another fist.

-In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Joe Wallace, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

-The chief export of Joe Wallace is pain.

-Joe Wallace is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

-The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Joe Wallace out. It failed miserably.

-Crop circles are Joe Wallace' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the heck down.

-Joe Wallace is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

-Joe Wallace is a man of few words. Joe Wallace is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
-The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Joe Wallace's fist.

-Joe Wallace made Ellen Degeneres straight.

-Joe Wallace kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"

-Joe Wallace' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord

-Joe Wallace knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

-Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Joe Wallace roundhouse kicked him across the face several times

-China was once bordering the United States, until Joe Wallace roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.

-Joe Wallace is what Willis was talking about

-If you have five dollars and Joe Wallace has five dollars, Joe Wallace has more money than you.

-Joe Wallace sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Joe Wallace and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.

-When Joe Wallace had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

-Joe Wallace once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.

-Multiple people have died from Joe Wallace giving them the finger.

-Joe Wallace once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.

-If Joe Wallace is late, time better slow the heck down

-Joe Wallace sleeps with a night light. Not because Joe Wallace is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Joe Wallace

-Joe Wallace can touch MC Hammer.

-A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Joe Wallace and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

-Joe Wallace frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

-There is no such thing as tornados. Joe Wallace just hates trailer parks.

-Joe Wallace never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.

-Joe Wallace does not procreate, he breeds

-When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Joe Wallace responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"

-Joe Wallace doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Joe tells it to.

-Joe Wallace was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Joe omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

-Joe Wallace used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Joe Wallace,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

-If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Joe Wallace.

-When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Joe Wallace plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.

-Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Joe Wallace.

-Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Joe Wallace, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Joe Wallace.

-God offered Joe Wallace the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

-When Joe Wallace was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

-Joe Wallace drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

-A duck’s quack does not echo. Joe Wallace is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

-Joe Wallace once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

-Joe Wallace’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

-Joe Wallace doesn’t believe in Germany.

-If you want a list of Joe Wallace’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

-Joe Wallace has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

-Joe Wallace doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.

-If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Joe Wallace.

-Ironically, Joe Wallace’ hidden talent is invisibility.

-Joe Wallace owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

-Joe Wallace invented water.

-Joe Wallace invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Joe Wallace is kicking your tail, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

-Joe Wallace went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Joe Wallace yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”

-Joe Wallace is Luke Skywalker’s real father.

-Contrary to popular belief, Joe Wallace, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beardrash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

-Joe Wallace does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

-In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Joe Wallace can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

-Joe Wallace isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s crap.

-Joe Wallace doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks tail until he’s full.

-Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Joe Wallace.

-Joe Wallace once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.

-Helen Keller’s favorite color is Joe Wallace

-When you open a can of whoop-ass, Joe Wallace jumps out.

-There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Joe Wallace.

-Joe Wallace got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Joe Wallace for every answer.

-Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Joe Wallace to die before they attack.

-After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Joe Wallace. It was more "humane".

-Joe Wallace doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

-Joe Wallace doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the crap out of viruses. That's why Joe Wallace never gets ill.

Thanks for all you do Joe!

(photo credit: U of E's account)

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